How to become more yourself? The True Self and the False Self

One of the main psychological tasks of adolescence and young adulthood is to develop a coherent sense of self and identity (Erikson, 1968). 

In psychology, the word "identity" refers to a person's sense of self - an understanding of who they are. A sense of identity is consistent, stable, and enduring over time and across life contexts. At the same time, a person with a mature identity is adaptable to changing life circumstances.

The development and maturity of a person's identity has a major impact on how they shape their everyday life - what education and career they choose, how they form intimate relationships, family and friendships, and what social groups they choose to belong to (Read more et al., 2021).

A person with a mature identity is able to make informed decisions and move forward in life with a sense of purpose. However, in the case of a lack of identity maturity, there is confusion, confusion, chaotic actions and interests. The person is more subject to the flow of external circumstances than shaping his or her own life.

The process of developing a coherent sense of identity can be stressful, as it involves a lot of uncertainty and the need to adapt to different social situations. Consequently, it can take a long time - well into adulthood - for a person to reach identity maturity (Read more et al., 2021).

In any case, how internally stable a person feels about him/herself plays an important role in the development of a psychologically healthy person. It is within the framework of identity that the answer lies as to why, in one case, a person feels secure in himself, while in another case, even as an adult, he is not clear about who he is and what he wants to become.

Towards maturity of identity through the unpeeling of the true self

One of the first authors to address the topic of identity was the English paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott (Donald Winnicott). Perhaps in his theory one can sense the direction in which to seek access to the maturity of identity - through the awareness of one's authentic or true self.

Winnicott once spoke of how, at a very young age, a person tends to split his or her identity into two parts without realising it - the true self (true self) and the false "I" (false self) (Winnicott, 1960).

Of these, the true self represents a person's true feelings and desires. The false self is the part of the identity that has suppressed feelings and desires and pushed aside its needs in order to survive. 

In fact, in situations where the child's authentic nature is insufficiently recognised or rejected by those in the outside world (e.g. parents), the child begins to develop a false self. The aim of this process is to adapt to external circumstances and create a version of the self that conceals and thus protects the true self - the authentic human nature.

Fake "I" function

The function of the false self is to protect against the unthinkable - against the use of the true self that would result in destruction (Winnicott, 1960). However, as a result of its development, the true self is hidden (sometimes even denied) and the false self begins to dominate as the visible part of a person's identity.

Although the creation of a false self is necessary for survival in a person's younger years, it has a long-term impact on the person.

The patterns of thinking, beliefs and behaviour developed in childhood are automatically adopted in adulthood in the name of adaptation. If they were useful and even necessary in childhood, in adulthood they can become a barrier to personal development, growth and independence (Growth through Change, 2018).

At the same time, it is not as if the false self in adulthood is only something harmful and the true self only beneficial. In adulthood, too, the false self can be used in both psychologically healthy and unhealthy ways.

A healthy false self

In its healthy form, the false self can be functional and help a person to adapt to social norms, environment, circumstances.

It can ensure, for example, politeness even in situations where you would internally like to react differently. A false self can also protect a person in moments when expressing one's true feelings and desires can backfire. For example, it can prevent people from expressing their deep feelings and true thoughts in a work context, in a situation where there is a risk of being potentially attacked or misunderstood.

The main function of a healthy false self is the awareness of personal boundaries. A healthy false self interacts with the true self, creating protection and shielding the person at times when vulnerability would be inappropriate or even harmful (Growth thru Change, 2018).

An unhealthy false self

The unhealthy false self can be at the root of many dysfunctional behaviours. Winnicott describes the false self as one that seeks to fit into society by forcing itself to develop and function in a certain way, rather than adapting naturally.

Examples in everyday life that point to the dominance of an unhealthy false self in our identity structure are the beliefs and convictions that we accept as true just to fit in better with the crowd. For example:

• If I am beautiful, others will like me better.
• I will be successful when I earn a lot of money.
• If I work hard, I will have more value.
• The more I achieve, the more others will respect me.
• A glass of wine will make me feel better.

These are all false beliefs that, if believed and followed, do not get to the real causes of difficulties.

How to recognise the dominance of the false self in adulthood?

People whose dominant identity is a false self often (but not always) live a socially valued life - they have built careers, achieved success, started families, gained financial stability. Yet, internally, these people may feel that they have not really begun to exist - an inner emptiness is felt on a feeling level.

Similarly, the dominance of the false self is indicated by the fact that a person is only able to function meaningfully in situations where he or she is identified with a social role (e.g. his or her profession or ability to do certain things) or receives certain reactions from others (e.g. recognition). However, when these social roles or attitudes are lost or "left behind", the person feels confused and uncertain about who he or she really is.

Towards the expression of the true Self

The way to recognise which inner part is dominant is to listen to how you feel about yourself. If the true self feels real, alive, creative and spontaneous, the false self feels fake and empty - it is felt and expressed for social reasons. For example, a person expresses joy because it is customary to feel joyful at graduation. 

The good news is that the false self tends to look for ways to allow the true self to survive and find ways to express itself. This might be evidenced, for example, by a nagging sense of "everything seems to be going well in life, but something isn't...". 

In adulthood, it is important to gradually start recognising the false side of the self and to reduce its influence. Instead, listen to the feelings, desires and needs of your true self and always give space to the authentic expressions of your true self. This can be the path to a more mature identity, and therefore a more authentic and more fulfilled life.

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Branje, S., de Moor, E.L., Spitzer, J. and Becht, A.I. (2021), Dynamics of Identity Development in Adolescence: A Decade in Review. Journal of Adolescent Research, 31, 908-927. 

Erikson, E. H. (1968). Identity: Youth and crisis. New York: Norton.

Growth through Change. (March 6, 2018) Who Am I Really? True Self vs False Self. Growththruchange.com.

Winnicott, D. W. (1960). Ego Distortion in Terms of True and False Self. In Caldwell, L. & Robinson, H. T. (Eds.), The Collected Works of D. W. Winnicott. New York, Oxford Academic.