How to create soul-filling conversations?

There is a psychological theory that I have used several times in my counselling practice. Just as my first psychotherapist once used it to counsel me. She told me this theory and, in simple words, it 'blew the roof off', in a very positive way. This theory helped me to understand and accept myself better, taught me how to assess circumstances and people more successfully and, in fact, became a tool in my everyday communication.

In my practice as a psychologist, I have informed some clients in a similar way, whose problems are related to difficulties in forming close relationships. Each time I have seen how this information has led to important revelations in them too.

The model is supposedly quite simple (I can't find its author, though). It is about the four levels of communication through which a person "travels" when conversing with peers. Knowing this theory, it is possible to purposefully deepen communication with another person, making it more intense and personal. Conversely, if a conversation with someone starts to become emotionally uncomfortable, this theory shows you where to take it in order to get out of the discomfort.

Personally, I think this model is worth knowing for people who lack soulful and deep conversations, fulfilling relationships in their daily lives, as well as for people who are heartily disgusted small talk (sometimes both of these factors are present in the same person, and I was once just such a person). It will also be useful for those who cannot make any sense of the daily debate about various facts ("well, idle chatter!"). In a word, valuable material that I would like to share.

Four levels of communication

The theory states that a person can have four levels of contact at different depths. Some people feel more comfortable communicating at the first levels when drifting in shallower waters, and feel uncomfortable going to deeper depths. Others, on the other hand, can only get fulfilment from communication by swimming in the depths, and for these people a long wallow in the shallows can be emotionally distressing (a notable point in the direction of particularly sensitive people). Of course, there are also people who feel quite comfortable at all levels and know how to swim in all kinds of waters.

In other words, people are different, their communication needs are different, and each person can derive pleasure and fulfilment from communicating with the other on a different level.

Inverted pyramid principle

All the levels together can be represented as an inverted pyramid. The first level is the most frequent level of communication, followed by the second, third and fourth, with each successive level of communication going deeper.

Level 1. Private conversations (small talk) and superficial contact

A level at which the topic of conversation is constantly changing. It is like a butterfly that flits from flower to flower. Conversation is easy, starts for no particular reason and finishes quickly. Communication is superficial and does not impose a responsibility to continue, it can stop at any moment.

For more extraverted people small talk usually have an easier time, while more introverted personalities may find this more difficult. Especially if the superficial contact conversations are prolonged, the person starts to yearn for something more informative and emotionally meaningful.

Although small talk is a conversation without any real content, it plays an important role in the communication process. It is a starting point for building deeper relationships, a key to discovering common interests, a tool for creating a sense of security in a strange place, a way to make a difficult situation feel easy and relaxed.

Nianse! I small talk has difficulties, know that it is a trainable skill! How? Talk about what you see and what is happening here and now. For example, about the weather, about the decoration of the room, about the table, compliment the other person's appearance, etc.

Level 2. Interesting conversations

At this level, common interests have been found between the interlocutors. There is an exchange of views and information at a factual level. This level does not yet involve the sharing of emotions. At the level of interesting conversations, there is discussion about politics, raising children, holiday plans, etc. It is also known as the role level, because it is where we reveal ourselves according to a particular situation or role. For example, a mother gives advice to her mother, a nurse gives medical advice, a painter suggests the best colour, etc. 

At the level of interesting conversations, you can learn new things, discuss and share knowledge. I subjectively feel that this is very much the level of social network communication. It is usually dominated by self-confident people who have an opinion and like to express themselves while others listen. However, less confident people might have difficulties, because at this level you have to be able to seize the moment to have your say, which can lead to feelings of not wanting to interrupt and so on.

Nianse! Sometimes, getting a say in an exchange is a real struggle. How to train? Learn to stand up for yourself!

Level 3. Private sphere

At the third level, we already start "letting people in". Private conversations involve sharing emotions, feelings and experiences that concern ourselves and others, but do not yet involve revealing our feelings for the interlocutor. 

At this level, we let the other person into our inner life, telling them, for example, about our family life, our relationship with our husband, friend, colleague, parents, siblings, etc. Informal "buddy talk" and "heart-to-heart talk" over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine.

In private conversations, one can experience intense feelings, for example, discovering that one has much in common with the interlocutor and that there are similarities in the inner lives of both people. This can create a feeling of fulfilment, of being understood, of being accepted. It can be a pleasure to share one's world with another. 

Nianse! If this level of disclosure is difficult for another person, it is valuable to review one's beliefs about oneself. Perhaps there is something in one's inner world that evokes a sense of shame that one is afraid to share. On the other hand, hearing another's "private confession" can become uncomfortable in cases of emotional overload, when there is already too much of something, and the other person's emotions are causing emotional overstimulation. Discomfort can also arise when the other person, by "shaking his heart", hopes to make the interlocutor his ally, while the listener does not want to become one. Therefore, before starting a conversation at this level, it is worth making sure that the other person has the internal resources and the willingness to engage in it.

Level 4. Direct link

The level of direct connection is reached when people start talking about what is happening here and now between you and me. How do we feel about each other? Basically, it is a level of discovery of feelings, it is a level of clarification of the relationship. We are at the level of direct connection both when we say to the other "I love you" and when we say "when you look at me like that, I want to leave".

This kind of communication can be very intense, and it is only at this level that it is possible to know what the interlocutors mean to each other. There are people who never reach this level of communication in their lives. There are people who only reach it a few times in their lives. Yet these are the moments that we remember again and again, because they tend to be moments of intense emotion.

This level of connection with another person can be both frightening and emotionally empowering. By avoiding this level of contact, close relationships become boring and lifeless. Before opening up about your feelings to another, it is valuable to check whether the other person is willing to go to this level of communication at all, giving the other person time to prepare. For example, by offering, "It is important for me to reveal to you how I feel about you. Would you be willing to listen?"

Nianse! If a person has the courage to switch to the fourth level of communication, it can bring new energy and intensity to even a seemingly exhausted relationship.

How can this model be useful?

It seems like just a theory, but every theory helps us understand the world better, including ourselves. 

Knowing the levels of contact can help:

1. knowing which level of communication gives you the most pleasure and fulfilment;
2. understand how to structure conversations to get into a conversational environment you like;
3. if you don't like it small talkIf the first two levels are difficult, this theory answers the question: why are they worth practising? Because they are the starting points to deeper levels of communication, especially if you want to connect more deeply with a stranger;
4. If you are uncomfortable talking about emotions and feelings (levels 3 and 4), it may be worth reviewing your inner world and trying to understand what is getting in the way of deep relationships with your peers.

The model is, of course, a simplified version of the reality. But being aware of the level at which a conversation is taking place can help us understand why communication is sometimes draining and sometimes enriching. Knowing why conversations bore or frustrate makes it easier to change situations. By suggesting a switch from one level of communication to another, significant changes can be made in relationships. 

This free content is produced in my spare time without pay. If you see value in what I do, I'd be happy to make you a coffee! It's like a spur to create new content! 🙂

Source: 

Sanda, I. (2016). Love yourself! Psychotherapist's advice for particularly sensitive people. Zvaigzne ABC Publishing House.